deciphering the days

Okay so I did it! Last January I ordered I keyboard from Amazon, got a few instructional books and some sheet music, and spent lots of time on the phone with my best friend (who incidentally has a masters in music). Queue a month or two later, I wasn't making much progress so I bought a book for teaching kindergarteners to play the piano... Queue August, still not much progress - but I started piano lessons!! I've only had one lesson so far, so of course I can't play anything yet. And I am basically still working through the kindergartener book, but instead of bright colors and farm animals, it's neutral colors and for the "older beginner." But it's progress! And now I actually have specific things to practice when I sit down to play, and accountability, and something to do when I get home. And all those things are nice.

 image credit:  https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I first learned about it during my time at the community college, in psych class. The highest tier, self-actualization, was inspiring. Getting there was my goal. But I greatly misunderstood where 'there' was. I am sure I will laugh at myself in years to come for saying this now, but I feel like I have reached a point where I have become reasonably self-aware. I have learned a lot about my personality, my tendencies, and general traits. I can usually predict how I will react in certain situations. But here's the catch. I haven't been able to do anything about it. For example, when I realize that I'm going into a situation where I will likely be short tempered and have my patience tried, I think "Well if I know it's coming, I can do something about it." And then the situation comes and I don't do anything about. Nothing useful at least. It...

I'm afraid. I've been ignoring it. Pretending like I'm not. Blaming it on lack of finances or hiding behind the name of practicality. But it's not that. It's that I am afraid. I was afraid of the responsibility of being a chemist. So I became a teacher instead. I was afraid of having a kayak (how stupid is that?!?). It would cost too much money for the kayak and paddles and life jacket and car rack, where would I store it, what if it was too heavy for me and I couldn't put it on the car, what if I waste our money on a hobby I don't really care about, what if this is just a summer fad? What if I fail at my hobbies and waste my time and money? What if I am just becoming a Jack of All Trades and Master of None where I am not really good at anything but dump resources on everything and anything? I was afraid of playing the piano. What if I was no good at it, what if wasted money on a keyboard that I never used, where would I put it, what if I don't...

No. Not my husband. My best friend from middle school. A wise mentor once spoke to me concerning our friendship and general life patterns. She said that my best friend desperately needed to learn her independence, that she couldn't just follow me around, living wherever I lived, doing life however I did. She said that my friend could not forever keep overlaying her life on mine. One day I would move on to a place that my friend couldn't follow, and hopefully my friend could manage on her own. And of course she was right (and still is for that matter). But sometimes, just for a moment, I think she was wrong. I think... it is not my friend that follows me around. It is not my friend who overlays her life with mine. It is not her that cannot exist without our security blanket of a friendship. It's me. I don't want to be without her. I will keep intertwining our lives, offering my home the second she looks for one, providing a space, welcoming and supporting my fr...

Hubby and I will be travelling soon on our first substantial international trip together (the Bahamas for a three day vacation aren't exactly the same). We are going to Japan for a couple of weeks and a lot's on my mind as we prep for our rapidly approaching departure. First, since this is my first trip to another country, everyone seems to have something to say about it. And, not surprisingly if you know me at all, I do not appreciate most of the comments. Particularly the ones like, 'This is your first time experiencing another culture?!? Oh it will be so good for you!' Like, okay Linda, maybe I haven't been all over the world like you have, but I'm not some sort of egocentric, narcissistic, baboon who is clueless about the rest of the world. I have lived within many different cultures, and have spent years in a culture where I was, without doubt, the minority. For that matter, as a high school teacher, half my job is trying to connect with students who ar...

My father played D&D growing up. He loves to watch Lord of the Rings and never passes on a exciting and adventurous narrative. My older brother too. He reads fantasy and science fiction books constantly. He really wants to write his own novel one day. There are many stories floating around in his mind that he longs to put on paper. Not surprisingly, my husband falls into this category as well. We have a Star Wars pillow on the couch. Once (or twice) a month, we have a group of bards and rogues and elves and healers at our house eager to vanquish the demonic woes. Additionally, there is D&D night at his friend's house, not to mention the two (or is it three?) live streams that he assists. Even board games that encourage role playing and storytelling are some of his favorites. Plus, video games with detailed character development and plot lines - we have a shelf full! Not me though. I don't read very much fiction, fantasy, or sci-fi. I have never played a first pers...

I was the kid who was 'out' for so long. You know, no friends, only a couple acquaintances, dressed funny, socially awkward, and what people refer to as a 'late bloomer.' As always, I have been nice to other 'out' kids because I knew what it was like and I was one of them. I was also nice to the 'in' kids because I wanted them to like me and I wanted to be like them. Now, as always, I try so hard not to be the 'out' kid. But am I still nice to 'out' kids? Do I still extend my hand and open my life to those who struggle to find their way in this world. I hope so. But recently I have begun to wonder. Am I loving towards those that are what I don't want to be like? In thought, word, and deed? I need to pay attention. As always.

If you have read any of my blogs concerning decorating, or if you know me at all, then you know two things about me and decorating: 1. I don't think I am very good at it. 2. I get really annoyed at how expensive it can be. And on top of being expensive, I feel like it never ends. I could always decorate my house more. I could always change out the linens or update the colors or make it look more modern. I do not have the money or the time for that. But I do like my house to be decorated, and I like to note the passing of the seasons within my decor. But that means buying new things every season and storing the past seasons. Storing. I hate storage. So here is my compromise. I will decorate my table centerpiece for each season. And to keep it looking cohesive year round (and to keep it cheaper), I will use the same theme of glass vases (the ones I used at my wedding) within each season. Also, the contents are fairly small and all decorations for all seasons can fit into o...

So decorating your house is expensive. And of course I want to decorate my house in a way that marks the both the seasons and the years, which means even more money to the local home goods store. Plus, I find that if I just try to 'decorate' I end up spending too much money, going in to many directions, and I am almost always unhappy with the results. Knowing exactly how to decorate (i.e. change out the wall hanging like the examples below) gives me direction and purpose, and I spend all my energy on the perfect wall hanging. My attempts to cheaply decorate seasonally can be found here: seasonal decorations . My attempts to decorate for, and celebrate, the years of marriage are listed below. I have also been annoyed with the super lame suggestions for how to commemorate the passing years of love, so I included those as well! So basically my solution is this: Have one wall hanging someone in the common space of the house that reflects the year of marriage, and change it o...

I was the one asking questions and verifying any (and all) information. It was comfortable. I can’t be totally wrong about a decision if I ask someone else about it first. If no decisions is totally mine, then neither is the consequence. Good or bad.  Then the person to whom I ask the most questions went out on maternity leave. I was in charge of the substitute running her class. It was almost as if I was in charge of her class too. I made the decisions and I suffered all the consequences - but the good ones too. And get this -  I could do it! I didn’t need to be asking all of those questions - double checking and second guessing myself. I could just do it. It felt good. I was in a leadership role and I was good at it. My administrators saw what I was doing and were pleased with the results.  And then the other teacher came back from maternity leave. I immediately felt myself slipping into the old Double Check and Second Guess habit. But it was justified, right? This othe...

Learn a new language. Play the piano. Drive a motorcycle. Fly an airplane. Some of those are more attainable than others. Hobbies. Hobbies are wonderful things. I recently started some hobbies; things I want to do and learn. I purchased a piano keyboard after Christmas and started teaching myself to play (with the help of Hubby). Something changed. I am happier. I am interested in things for a change. I enjoy learning. I like music. I have more energy for my life. I am able to remember the list above.  I go to the park again. I have started running. I read books again. I have stopped watching so much tv. I cook new recipes again. I have started decorating my house for the seasons of the year and the seasons of my life. I’m not as emotionally tired. I am more physically tired. I know some of you are reading this and saying to yourself, “Self, I wonder if she knows she was depressed...and maybe still is?” She knows. The hobbies told her. Hobbies are wonderful thi...