double check and second guess

I was the one asking questions and verifying any (and all) information. It was comfortable. I can’t be totally wrong about a decision if I ask someone else about it first. If no decisions is totally mine, then neither is the consequence. Good or bad. 

Then the person to whom I ask the most questions went out on maternity leave. I was in charge of the substitute running her class. It was almost as if I was in charge of her class too. I made the decisions and I suffered all the consequences - but the good ones too. And get this -  I could do it! I didn’t need to be asking all of those questions - double checking and second guessing myself. I could just do it.

It felt good. I was in a leadership role and I was good at it. My administrators saw what I was doing and were pleased with the results. 

And then the other teacher came back from maternity leave. I immediately felt myself slipping into the old Double Check and Second Guess habit. But it was justified, right? This other person was so much more experienced than I was. Also she is a much better teacher and advocate, right? 

True, she is more vocal than I am. She is confrontational and yet respectful. She sets her mind to something and then makes it happen. She will walk right up to our admin and tell them her ideas, and then harp about it until she sees results. She is so confident in what she thinks and about how to change pedagogy for the better. She is usually right.

It is also true that I am not confrontational, nor am I one to go to battle over something I only think might work better. But then, how do you ever know? I was pretty confident while she was gone; not much Double Checking and rarely Second Guessing. I was learning to not ask her about everything or run to my administrators every time a problem arose. That was a good thing. 

I want to keep that up. I am a good teacher. I am a good leader. And I’m not going to get any better unless I work for it. 

My goal for the rest of this year (and next since there isn’t much left), is to learn to prioritize needs and be confident in my abilities. 


  • Do I actually need to ask my boss about this? Does he really need to know about it?
  • Do I really need to conference with my coworkers about this? Or should I just do it and share the end results with them?
  • Just because other teachers want to do things a little differently, doesn’t mean I have to. Do I want to, and does it make sense to me?
  • Do I actually think all of my coworkers ideas are good ideas, or do I just think she is usually right so I will join her cause? Is her argument really that strong? And even if so, is this a hill worth fighting for?


I can make those decisions for myself. I can figure it out for myself. I can make the decisions and suffer any and all consequences, good and bad. 

I don’t have to seek everyone’s approval, and I don’t need someone to watch every step I make. I don’t need affirmation every time I do something. 

I got this.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

misconception of failure

So I am talking to a friend the other day who is in quite a difficult spot right now. Her family is falling apart, abusive to her, publically humiliates her, and generally makes her life miserable. She is a new Christian. They are not. You can see the Spirit working in her as she has such a passion for showing them the life she has come to know. But it never seems to make a difference and at the end of the day she is discouraged. "...maybe I should have said something different..." "...maybe I provoked it..." "...it is so hard to be a change when I am right back in the situation where everything was so awful..." "...I feel like such a failure..." These are the things she says to me. And I relate and sympathize with all of them. However, last time we were talking about this, the Holy Spirit put into words what I have been trying to learn for so very long. When I think that I am a failure and that the Lord can't use my fumblings, I ...
Read more

tidying

I want to have a space where I fit comfortably, both body and mind. I do not feel that I have ever experienced any significant level of comfort from my environment. Of course, like most people, I do own a couple of items that always make me feel better in a 'security blanket' manner. However, it is always a struggle to find them in the midst of the crowded atmosphere that has always been my house. Unnecessary stressors significantly outnumber the happy items. Maybe this is due to the lack of cleanliness and/or the excess items that surround me, and the people I have lived with, but regardless as to why, I never thought my house could be a source of pleasure, comfort, and energy. But maybe it can. I want to have a space where I fit comfortably, both in body and mind. For the first time, I have my own place, for Husband and me (yay us!!). Perhaps we can make our house a happy place. I want our belongings to be important and to fit comfortably within our home. No more forcing....
Read more

yourself and others

My little sister has always seemed older than her years. Life is very simple to her and even the most complex of situations are black and white -- and she knows she's right. Though usually her insite lacks a comprehensive understanding of circumstances, sometimes her causal comments are worthy of considerable thought. A particularly provoking comment arose while she listened to me stress about staying in contact with relatives and friends. There were phone calls I hadn't returned, emails to which I hadn't replied, and 'thank you' cards that I hadn't mailed. She speaks to me in the fashion of a old sage who is slightly dumbfounded by the young ones lack of understanding. "Sissy...there is always someone else to call." She wasn't referring to my endless list of relatives and friends that were deserving of my attention. She was referring to my relatives and friends -- that they were the 'someone else' who could call me. Her wo...
Read more