fear

I'm afraid.

I've been ignoring it. Pretending like I'm not. Blaming it on lack of finances or hiding behind the name of practicality. But it's not that. It's that I am afraid.

I was afraid of the responsibility of being a chemist. So I became a teacher instead.

I was afraid of having a kayak (how stupid is that?!?). It would cost too much money for the kayak and paddles and life jacket and car rack, where would I store it, what if it was too heavy for me and I couldn't put it on the car, what if I waste our money on a hobby I don't really care about, what if this is just a summer fad?

What if I fail at my hobbies and waste my time and money? What if I am just becoming a Jack of All Trades and Master of None where I am not really good at anything but dump resources on everything and anything?

I was afraid of playing the piano. What if I was no good at it, what if wasted money on a keyboard that I never used, where would I put it, what if I don't have time, classes are too expensive - and anyway, what if I am just faking it? What if I don't really want to learn and I am just telling myself that?

I am afraid of riding a motorcycle. What if I spend a lot of time and money on it, only to decide I don't like it. Or what if I wreck the bike immediately making it all a waste. Or what if I can never pass the skills test required to get my license.

What if...?

I am reminded of what Hermione Granger says in one of the Potter books:
"...before either of you...get us killed -- or worse, expelled!"
I am feel like 'expulsion' would be the worst thing ever.

Failure. Disappointment.

I am letting these things stop me from living my life.

I ordered a keyboard earlier this year. I still tinker with it. I should probably consider piano lessons from a church lady or something.

I am going to pick up a motorcycle jacket later today.

But I am still afraid.

I am just moving too.

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