travelling
Hubby and I will be travelling soon on our first substantial international trip together (the Bahamas for a three day vacation aren't exactly the same).
We are going to Japan for a couple of weeks and a lot's on my mind as we prep for our rapidly approaching departure.
First, since this is my first trip to another country, everyone seems to have something to say about it. And, not surprisingly if you know me at all, I do not appreciate most of the comments. Particularly the ones like, 'This is your first time experiencing another culture?!? Oh it will be so good for you!' Like, okay Linda, maybe I haven't been all over the world like you have, but I'm not some sort of egocentric, narcissistic, baboon who is clueless about the rest of the world. I have lived within many different cultures, and have spent years in a culture where I was, without doubt, the minority. For that matter, as a high school teacher, half my job is trying to connect with students who are not like me, and working hard to understand their culture. That's not something that just happens either - to be culturally sensitive and to acknowledge implicit bias takes deliberate effort! ...But maybe it's just my pride talking. Perhaps when I get back from Japan, I will admit to being an egocentric and narcissistic baboon.
Secondly, this isn't really a vacation trip. My husband is supposed to be filming multiple art conferences/events, editing videos, and making work connections for future trips. Most of our days and destinations are determined by the job; I am largely along for the ride. And since he would really be interested in working with these people long term, keeping up appearances is definitely a thing. Which, once again if you know me then this isn't surprising, I suck at playing that role. Like...I do the opposite. If you tell me I need to smile more and wear a nicer shirt tomorrow, well then get ready for my most generic expression and the wrinkly-est t-shirt I can find. Yeah I know - I am way too prideful and looking remarkably like the aforementioned baboon. Which is part of why I am writing this. I need to see it. To write it down. To acknowledge it. That it's not all about me. Of course I am not going to be so petty as the above example, and I rarely am these days. I realized this about myself long ago, and though the impulses still exists, I have learned not to act on such prideful behavior (usually). Nevertheless, it can still come out in weird ways. Sulking. Not forming an opinion. Withdrawal. They say 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.' Well that's only sorta helpful. Also, when my husband gets stressed (like travelling to a foreign country with thousands of dollars of expensive video equipment and a layover), we tend to cease working together and start making things more difficult for each other. I expect him to slow down, speak quietly, and assess the situation as if there were literally no consequences to choices (how unrealistic is that?). He expects me to keep up, both physically as we race through the airport, and mentally as he decides the best course of action without ever telling me his plan. Then when it's over, he thinks 'Mission Accomplished' and I think 'Why did you say that loudly? Why are you so mad and stressed? Why did we have to run to the next terminal just to be 45 minutes early? This sucks. I am going to sit here, be quiet, and not talk to anyone.' Oh - and I hate changes to plans. But we are going on a trip with three other people, to spend two weeks interacting with other people. Plans will change. I just have to be okay with that and not sulk. Otherwise I will make the trip miserable. Oh and I need to not let his emotions mess up mine. That too will ruin the trip. Uhg.
So in my attempts to not get attached to plans and to not be a rain-cloud-for-the-parade, I have perhaps taken it too far. I do not care what we do each day. I don't care where we go, what we see, or who we interact with; I am along for the ride. If the girls want to go to karaoke bar or a hot springs, you know what? I can do it. It's not about me. If everyone wants to stay out late, I will too. Hubby asks me what I want to do while we are there, but it doesn't matter to me - whatever the group wants, or whatever he wants. I am along for the ride. I haven't really made any plans, but then I don't really know what to expect, so how can I? Seems reasonable to me...
So the question has become, am I being reasonable or ridiculous??
UPDATE: Well the trip is over...and my predictions were wildly accurate....
First, I only did the 'passive aggressive - I will do the opposite of what you say' thing once. One girl wore a skirt and the other girl was saying it was too short. It wasn't. Girl-in-the-skirt was getting upset and self-conscious and judgy-girl wouldn't let up. I have no tolerance for that sort of thing. From there on out I wore my shortest shorts, I didn't care where we were going. Bite me.
Secondly, my husband triumphantly strode around the great Japan and I lagged behind and complained that I couldn't keep up. We didn't get to talk about things as we travelled, because we didn't often walk together. And so we bickered about whose fault it was. And we bickered about what we should do. And we bickered because we missed each other. (And then when things relaxed and the work portion of the trip was over, the vacation portion began and we walked together. And it was lovely.)
And finally, yes, the plans were extensive and out of my control and often not even that relevant to me so I took a passive, ambivalent, and detached back-seat approach to most of the meetings. For better or worse. Hubby was sad that I wasn't more engaged with the environment. But I felt like it didn't have much to do with me and that my voice didn't really matter. Which it didn't because I'm not part of the film team and not looking to join the missions teams in Japan.
So now we are tasked with processing the trip, pondering how we think it went, and deciding if there is a future for us in Japan. Easy Peasy.
Clarification Statement: There were a lot of wonderful parts about this trip. There were a lot of ways we enjoyed each other's company and enjoyed the culture of Japan. But this post was focused on my concerns before the trip, and how they played out during the trip, hence not much of the good stuff.
We are going to Japan for a couple of weeks and a lot's on my mind as we prep for our rapidly approaching departure.
First, since this is my first trip to another country, everyone seems to have something to say about it. And, not surprisingly if you know me at all, I do not appreciate most of the comments. Particularly the ones like, 'This is your first time experiencing another culture?!? Oh it will be so good for you!' Like, okay Linda, maybe I haven't been all over the world like you have, but I'm not some sort of egocentric, narcissistic, baboon who is clueless about the rest of the world. I have lived within many different cultures, and have spent years in a culture where I was, without doubt, the minority. For that matter, as a high school teacher, half my job is trying to connect with students who are not like me, and working hard to understand their culture. That's not something that just happens either - to be culturally sensitive and to acknowledge implicit bias takes deliberate effort! ...But maybe it's just my pride talking. Perhaps when I get back from Japan, I will admit to being an egocentric and narcissistic baboon.
Secondly, this isn't really a vacation trip. My husband is supposed to be filming multiple art conferences/events, editing videos, and making work connections for future trips. Most of our days and destinations are determined by the job; I am largely along for the ride. And since he would really be interested in working with these people long term, keeping up appearances is definitely a thing. Which, once again if you know me then this isn't surprising, I suck at playing that role. Like...I do the opposite. If you tell me I need to smile more and wear a nicer shirt tomorrow, well then get ready for my most generic expression and the wrinkly-est t-shirt I can find. Yeah I know - I am way too prideful and looking remarkably like the aforementioned baboon. Which is part of why I am writing this. I need to see it. To write it down. To acknowledge it. That it's not all about me. Of course I am not going to be so petty as the above example, and I rarely am these days. I realized this about myself long ago, and though the impulses still exists, I have learned not to act on such prideful behavior (usually). Nevertheless, it can still come out in weird ways. Sulking. Not forming an opinion. Withdrawal. They say 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.' Well that's only sorta helpful. Also, when my husband gets stressed (like travelling to a foreign country with thousands of dollars of expensive video equipment and a layover), we tend to cease working together and start making things more difficult for each other. I expect him to slow down, speak quietly, and assess the situation as if there were literally no consequences to choices (how unrealistic is that?). He expects me to keep up, both physically as we race through the airport, and mentally as he decides the best course of action without ever telling me his plan. Then when it's over, he thinks 'Mission Accomplished' and I think 'Why did you say that loudly? Why are you so mad and stressed? Why did we have to run to the next terminal just to be 45 minutes early? This sucks. I am going to sit here, be quiet, and not talk to anyone.' Oh - and I hate changes to plans. But we are going on a trip with three other people, to spend two weeks interacting with other people. Plans will change. I just have to be okay with that and not sulk. Otherwise I will make the trip miserable. Oh and I need to not let his emotions mess up mine. That too will ruin the trip. Uhg.
So in my attempts to not get attached to plans and to not be a rain-cloud-for-the-parade, I have perhaps taken it too far. I do not care what we do each day. I don't care where we go, what we see, or who we interact with; I am along for the ride. If the girls want to go to karaoke bar or a hot springs, you know what? I can do it. It's not about me. If everyone wants to stay out late, I will too. Hubby asks me what I want to do while we are there, but it doesn't matter to me - whatever the group wants, or whatever he wants. I am along for the ride. I haven't really made any plans, but then I don't really know what to expect, so how can I? Seems reasonable to me...
So the question has become, am I being reasonable or ridiculous??
UPDATE: Well the trip is over...and my predictions were wildly accurate....
First, I only did the 'passive aggressive - I will do the opposite of what you say' thing once. One girl wore a skirt and the other girl was saying it was too short. It wasn't. Girl-in-the-skirt was getting upset and self-conscious and judgy-girl wouldn't let up. I have no tolerance for that sort of thing. From there on out I wore my shortest shorts, I didn't care where we were going. Bite me.
Secondly, my husband triumphantly strode around the great Japan and I lagged behind and complained that I couldn't keep up. We didn't get to talk about things as we travelled, because we didn't often walk together. And so we bickered about whose fault it was. And we bickered about what we should do. And we bickered because we missed each other. (And then when things relaxed and the work portion of the trip was over, the vacation portion began and we walked together. And it was lovely.)
And finally, yes, the plans were extensive and out of my control and often not even that relevant to me so I took a passive, ambivalent, and detached back-seat approach to most of the meetings. For better or worse. Hubby was sad that I wasn't more engaged with the environment. But I felt like it didn't have much to do with me and that my voice didn't really matter. Which it didn't because I'm not part of the film team and not looking to join the missions teams in Japan.
So now we are tasked with processing the trip, pondering how we think it went, and deciding if there is a future for us in Japan. Easy Peasy.
Clarification Statement: There were a lot of wonderful parts about this trip. There were a lot of ways we enjoyed each other's company and enjoyed the culture of Japan. But this post was focused on my concerns before the trip, and how they played out during the trip, hence not much of the good stuff.
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