deciphering the days

I do not feel like I fit in with my family anymore. It is a very strange feeling. We grew up in the deep southern country. Booksmarts we not considered as useful as street smarts. We 'loved everybody' but our way of life was the best.   Staying   was more valuable than   going . Everyone in their right mind participated in the sweet tea drinking, southern baptist, animal raising, country folk way of life. ...yeah...not so much my thing anymore... I live in and love the city. I am a first generation college graduate - with a chemistry degree no less (growing up, the word 'scientist' was synonymous with people who were 'we-came-from-monkeys-atheist' and who 'make-up-nonsense-from-their-make-believe-lab.'). I am currently teaching in a public school.  My schedule is full. My husband and my friends are very different from me and each other. My faith has broadened denominationally. I love cultural foods - my favorite part is wh...

I am still here. Still breathing. What an interesting year. 2017 Me and My Love: Married. Moved. New Job for Me (a real one this time!). New Friends. New Hobbies. New Things. New Styles. Life is Good. New. And Good. Married is Good. My Family: Brother in the Marines. Drinking. Tatted. Smoking. (should I have taught him more?) Older Brother Moved. Mental Struggles. Marital Struggles. (I recommend a therapist) Parents Divorced. (I quite answering the phone for a while) Sister Lives with Father. Loves New School. (one of the few silver linings this year) Father Smoking (seriously - do you have to have a destructive force in your life?) Mother Engaged. Set 2017 Wedding Date. Father's Friend is Groom. Yikes. (this is worth of an entire blog post...) Brothers Stressing over Wedding. (then why are you going?) Teaching Brothers about Mother. (what do one sided relationships actually mean?) Bitter over My Parent's Life Choices. Brothers Not Going to Wedding (mi...

seek and you will find husband searches and doesn't find then he doubts i don't doubt i don't search. i don't find i don't question His goodness but i don't search. i am prideful what is husband searching for and not finding what am i ignoring why don't i search why doesn't he find seek and you will find

Okay. Here I am. Still trying to KonMari my belongings (check out my earlier post about the KonMari adventure for the back story). I have mostly figured out how it should feel when I am done, if I have KonMari-ed correctly. It has happened before. Like once. Maybe twice. The sentimental items are really getting to me. And I think I figured out why. I am not particularly satisfied with my childhood. When in the eyes of the public, my family pretended to be something it was not. We were never a reflection of the portrayed image, never that I can recall. I remember my middle school and high school years - feeling very bored and lonely. I tried desperately to be like the other teenagers but never once by adding my own, original contributions. I wasn't simply trying to fit myself into their clubs, rather I was looking to groups for a definition of who I should be. I was trying to do that then, and I still am. I am trying to construct memories of a happy, social teenage life that did...

A friend of mine wrote this. It really struck home with me: "I am afraid of being vulnerable. That's why I am quiet all the time: it is not that I don't have anything to say, I could fill the void with words, I am afraid of what being honest might cause. I am afraid that if I told you what I think you would think I'm stupid. I'm afraid that if I told you what I feel you would reject me for feeling the wrong things . I'm afraid that if you knew the things I have done you wouldn't want to spend time with me. That's why I am always so measured, so quiet, only breaking the silence when I'm pretty sure I have something really good to say. That is why when I do speak it's so often sarcastic. Sarcasm is safe, it directs negative attention elsewhere and I can score points for being witty. By being sarcastic I don't reveal my true thoughts or feelings and so nothing precious to me can be used against me... I don't risk giving you anything tha...

So as many know, I just graduated with a chemistry degree and 3.7 something GPA. Many people in my life are not surprised. I, however, truly believed that I wouldn't get here. I am 'cleaning up' my computer and deleting the thousands of pictures and old, unread documents. I stumbled across some pre-college and early college writings... "I want to do well in school. I want to make people proud and live up to the expectations. Part of me feels like I am somehow lying to them because there are so many people who think I am so smart – book smart - and I really want to be. I want to be that person. But so often I am reminded that that is not me, or not by default. And I am concerned with what happens. I really want to do well. What If I don’t? So many people have put so much into me doing this and so much rides on it. If I don’t get this degree then what was the point of any of it? What will I do afterwards? ...I would be so ashamed to drop out of school and even to do...

Many of the stories I listen to or watch have a scene when the protagonist and side characters debate one's ability to choose . It goes something like this: "I had no choice!" "You always have a choice - you could have chosen differently!" "NO! You left me no other options - my hands were tied!" Etc., etc., you get the picture. So anyway. This has been on my mind a lot. Do we always have a choice? What about life and death choices that involve other people? Through my ponderings, I have come to a conclusion that we always have a choice but the darker conundrum is this: What freedom is found in a choice when we will be held captive by the consequences of that choice? Now I have no idea. I have just been contemplating this question for quite a while and that's all I have, but it has been on my heart and mind for a while so I put it in writing. 

I want to have a space where I fit comfortably, both body and mind. I do not feel that I have ever experienced any significant level of comfort from my environment. Of course, like most people, I do own a couple of items that always make me feel better in a 'security blanket' manner. However, it is always a struggle to find them in the midst of the crowded atmosphere that has always been my house. Unnecessary stressors significantly outnumber the happy items. Maybe this is due to the lack of cleanliness and/or the excess items that surround me, and the people I have lived with, but regardless as to why, I never thought my house could be a source of pleasure, comfort, and energy. But maybe it can. I want to have a space where I fit comfortably, both in body and mind. For the first time, I have my own place, for Husband and me (yay us!!). Perhaps we can make our house a happy place. I want our belongings to be important and to fit comfortably within our home. No more forcing....