if they knew me

I do not feel like I fit in with my family anymore. It is a very strange feeling.


We grew up in the deep southern country. Booksmarts we not considered as useful as street smarts. We 'loved everybody' but our way of life was the best. Staying was more valuable than going. Everyone in their right mind participated in the sweet tea drinking, southern baptist, animal raising, country folk way of life.


...yeah...not so much my thing anymore...

I live in and love the city. I am a first generation college graduate - with a chemistry degree no less (growing up, the word 'scientist' was synonymous with people who were 'we-came-from-monkeys-atheist' and who 'make-up-nonsense-from-their-make-believe-lab.'). I am currently teaching in a public school.  My schedule is full. My husband and my friends are very different from me and each other. My faith has broadened denominationally. I love cultural foods - my favorite part is when I don't know how to eat something!

...so different from my family...

The first church I ever went to that wasn't my family's was a non-denominational. I distinctly remember thinking that my parents could never find out. They would have disapproved heartily. I still don't talk religion with them. According to their standards, I don't think they would even acknowledge my salvation.

My mother loathes public school - and vaccines for that matter - but don't get me started on that. She often makes disapproving remarks about the "highfalutin" members of the extended family that have to have everything just so and their house is so clean "you can't even relax." I wonder if she knows that I have Kon Mari-ed for almost a year now. That my couch never has any clothes strewn across it. That my dishes are done every night before I go to bed. My mail has a spot where it goes immediately after I check the box. That I dry my razor and cream and put them under the sink after use. That my husband and I do not want any furry animals simply because they are messier than we prefer. Very different from the life without a plan, house with no upkeep, and lifestyle of hoarding that I was raised in.

 I was telling my dad about a new audiobook I was listening to on road trips during the holidays (Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking). I think it is a fascinating read. I excitedly told my dad about the research that is compiled within. After a few minutes the conversation changed. We eventually discuss holiday travels and I mention a late night drive. My dad recommended that I at that time, I should listen to something else - something stimulating and engaging that won't put me to sleep.

 ...I don't even know how to respond to things like that...

Also, I get the impression that they think I am kinda silly for spending my days learning about psychology or sociology. They agree that it is interesting, but useful is another story.

 My family did not originally approve of my husband either (back in the boyfriend days). He spoke in a different tone and with different sentence structures than them (he is almost a northerner). He does not hunt, practice shadetree mechanic work, or listen to country music. Quite the contrary, he is a 'laygamer' with a slim build and a mathematics degree. He is a brilliant man who values higher education and is versed in the classical arts. Very different from my family. I married him (obviously) but I am not quite sure they ever recovered. 😊

With all of these differences, our conversations are become strained and our interactions awkward, or at least it feels that way to me. This is heightened by the fact that they feel we need to talk weekly, or else we are out of touch, distant, and not behaving like a family should. I personally think every couple of weeks would be just fine. By then, we might have something of significance to talk about. But we talk weekly, or more often. And our talks are redundant, shallow, and I am never sure what subjects to bring up.

I wonder...

If they knew me, would they like me?


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