if you knew

A friend of mine wrote this. It really struck home with me:

"I am afraid of being vulnerable. That's why I am quiet all the time: it is not that I don't have anything to say, I could fill the void with words, I am afraid of what being honest might cause. I am afraid that if I told you what I think you would think I'm stupid. I'm afraid that if I told you what I feel you would reject me for feeling the wrong things. I'm afraid that if you knew the things I have done you wouldn't want to spend time with me. That's why I am always so measured, so quiet, only breaking the silence when I'm pretty sure I have something really good to say. That is why when I do speak it's so often sarcastic. Sarcasm is safe, it directs negative attention elsewhere and I can score points for being witty. By being sarcastic I don't reveal my true thoughts or feelings and so nothing precious to me can be used against me... I don't risk giving you anything that matters too much, nothing that could be used to hurt me. I have lived most of my life trying to avoid letting anything that matters to me become known and therefore vulnerable, but isolation is not bloodless. If you lock yourself away in an airtight bubble to avoid drowning, you won't have to worry about water, but instead of drowning you will just suffocate. I watched a really good Ted Talk last night about vulnerability and felt like this was something I should say." –A Dear Friend: BH

 I can relate to the first half of BH's thoughts the most. I don't tend to be sarcastic and I don't crack jokes often.

This part, right here:
"I am afraid of being vulnerable. That's why I am quiet all the time: it is not that I don't have anything to say, I could fill the void with words, I am afraid of what being honest might cause. I am afraid that if I told you what I think you would think I'm stupid. I'm afraid that if I told you what I feel you would reject me for feeling the wrong things. I'm afraid that if you knew the things I have done you wouldn't want to spend time with me. That's why I am always so measured, so quiet, only breaking the silence when I'm pretty sure I have something really good to say."

 Now, I am quiet all the time because I am a quiet person. But also... this. I am so prideful, so concerned with other people's thoughts and judgements, and so self-critical, that I become reserved, unfriendly, or never at minimum, I do not share about myself.

But why. Do I not believe the Gospel? Do I not believe that He is my affirmation and the He has redeemed and forgiven? I think I forget more often and more quickly than the Israelites.

Kind Father. Please help me. I believe - please help my unbelief.

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