journey through education

So as many know, I just graduated with a chemistry degree and 3.7 something GPA. Many people in my life are not surprised. I, however, truly believed that I wouldn't get here.

I am 'cleaning up' my computer and deleting the thousands of pictures and old, unread documents. I stumbled across some pre-college and early college writings...

"I want to do well in school. I want to make people proud and live up to the expectations. Part of me feels like I am somehow lying to them because there are so many people who think I am so smart – book smart - and I really want to be. I want to be that person. But so often I am reminded that that is not me, or not by default. And I am concerned with what happens. I really want to do well. What If I don’t? So many people have put so much into me doing this and so much rides on it. If I don’t get this degree then what was the point of any of it? What will I do afterwards? ...I would be so ashamed to drop out of school and even to do badly. WHAT IF I JUST SCREW IT ALL UP? If I just do so badly that it is pointless. Part of me is doing this out of obligation – it’s a need. I NEED to do this to be adequate. And that’s silly..."

And at another time I wrote:

"Okay, so I have taken step number one. I have started college. I am one week into semester one. Now what? What do I do? So far I like college well enough, but the thought of going to a University for 3 years still makes my stomach sink!

...

So about grades, I have this part of me who puts on this ‘I am not smart’ face. But I really hope and think that I will get good grades in school, and will be the person that everyone assures me I am, when I make those comments. I like to hear people disagree with my theories of my intelligence. It makes me think I am smart, even though I already know I will manage (with the good Lord’s help). However, then there is that moment when life hits, and I get grades back from school and I am reminded where that ‘I am not book smart’ person came from. I am not an honor rolls student, an all A’s, or literacy inclined person. I am low B’s. So what if everyone is wrong? And I am not this brilliant person they see? I am doing it right now. Convincing myself I am not that good at school, in hopes that I will do great and amaze myself and others. But I worry that I am wrong, and they are wrong. This is only week number 2 of class, so I suppose time will tell.  Meanwhile, I may just need to get over myself….? 


 All that to say this now:

God is greater than all that is in this world. He knows the plan for your life. And just because you don't think you can do it - doesn't mean that He can't or won't.

I did go to school. I did attend a four-year university. I did well. I learned a lot about life. I learned a lot about myself and my friends. I learned a lot about God. I didn't think I could do it, and without Him, I likely would not have. But He called me into education and He saw me through it.

Maybe I will remember that going forward and will stop fearing the future.

If only.

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