deciphering the days

I will be home for Christmas, and in therapy for New Year's - and it's only Thanksgiving... Happy Thanksgiving ya'll. I am really thankful for my fiance. We have dated for almost four years, and are getting married in exactly fifty days. I am very thankful for that! We aren't ready for the event yet, but we are definitely ready to be married. I am thankful for my wonderful host family - who are some of my best friends. Their wisdom and light keep me from falling into my own despair. I am thankful for the church family that I will be a part of when I move to Georgia. The vastness of their kindness has already washed over me - and I haven't actually joined with them yet. It's sprinkling rain right now, and considering the wildfires of Western NC, I am very grateful for any and all moisture that touched the earth. I could keep writing for pages about all of the things for which I am thankful, and yet I find it so difficult to stay happy during the...

I have bad habits. Of course, right? So do we all. But I think there are different types of bad habits. There are the ones that I know are bad but I don't really mind if other people know about them, like how I am impatient toward drivers who cut me off. And there is another type. The habits that do not make me feel pretty, loveable, or respectable - and I certainly do not want others to know about them. They are not detrimental to my health - at least not obviously, but nonetheless, I do not want anyone else to know. I am ashamed. And I do them anyway. I long to be beautiful when I am with others and when I am alone. Hopefully not in a super conceited way, but rather in a way that reflects the Maker's original design. I do not act with these 'bad manners' when I am in the company of other - so why when I am alone? I regularly yelp about the soap box of 'we should have enough self-respect for ourselves that we act in a becoming manner regardless of whose pre...

Let's face it, I consider myself a master of lists. You name, I can make a list out of it. I have a packing list, reading list, summer to-do list, recipes to try list, school assignment list, morning routine list, an extensive wedding planning list, a list of people to call, and the list goes on forever!!!! Making lists helps me to think clearly, organize my thoughts, and to quit worrying about things. However, the lists that are designed to help me 'rule my life' will occasionally rule me. All of my lists are self-imposed. There is no reason I have to get assignments turned in early and it really is okay if I feed my goldfish every other day because I don't always remember. But I sometimes forget that. My lists start frustrating me: causing me anxiety and feelings of incompetence. I stress about not getting enough things done or spending my time doing the 'wrong' things. What if there is a more efficient way to organize my day/list? I realize it the mos...

The third commandment, or second depending on the denomination, is written in the King James under Exodus 20 verse 7 as: "Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain." Growing up in my household that particular commandment meant that the children shouldn't say, 'oh my god' outside of prayer. As I got older, youth groups focused on 'matters of the heart' and 'deliberate thought.' The commandment came to mean that one should be so often focused on God that whenever one thought of or heard mention of God or Jesus Christ, one's thoughts immediately focused on holy things. I learned important qualities in both of these situations. First, I practiced monitoring my speech, and later I was challenged to reflect on what the name of God meant to me. And sometime after that, I heard an interesting perspective concerning the rest of this commandment. Sadly, I do n...

"I have a naturally peaceful nature," I tell myself. I am calm. I always do really well with the 24 or 48 hour 'technology free' days; my college psych/education classes assigned these and they're exactly what they sound like. Some people really struggled with the assignment, but not me. I don't struggle with technology dependence or multitasking. So I tell myself. In psych class, we talked about multitasking and how people say it's a bad idea and it diminishes their productivity, and yet everyone thinks they are an exceptional being who is good at multitasking. I probably do that too, but I'm not dysfunctional about it. So I tell myself. I don't think I even multitask that much. I don't often listen to music while completing homework nor do I work on my computer while talking on the phone. Therefore, I must be good at limiting my multitasking. Go me! So I tell myself. As many know, I am having recent struggles with Bible reading and pray...

Over the last couple of years, the vast majority of my prayers begin with the words, "Kind Father." A friend of mine prayed like that and I picked it up along the way. It is a nice reminder of two obvious things: 1) God is kind and 2) He is my father. Simple enough. Perhaps that is one of the first times God intrigued me with the idea of kindness. Since that time, almost every time I am concerned about bringing my thoughts before God I hear: But I am kind. These constant reminders of God's kindness has left me to ponder what kindness is, and how I should be kind to others. I am reading 'The Love Dare.' The second devotional is focused on kind love. According to this source, kindness consists of gentleness, helpfulness, willingness, and initiative. A dear friend of mine recently said something to the effect of, "Marry someone who is kind to you. If he is kind to you and kind in his heart, then it will be easier to be kind to him, and your marriage will...

It's not uncommon for me to watch animes. Some are great! Some are less than great... I just started one called "Your Lie in April." It's one of the so-so animes. I'm not finished with it yet, but currently I wouldn't really recommend. It's kinda slow... But anyway. I didn't write to tell you I watch animes that I think are boring because I have no life. I'm writing because there was an interesting concept in this show which went something like the paraphrased comments below: A woman in love is beautiful. She was beautiful  a nd she was in love. ...she was in love with music... ...she was in love with dessert... ...she was in love with kittens... ...she was in love with painting... ...she exists within spring... I don't really have anything else to add. I am not saying that we should worship material items, or place idols before God or people. However, our God deeply cares for his creations, us most of all. I believe that...

a beautiful image. a beautiful phrase. a beautiful feeling. a beautiful song. a beautiful moment. There is beauty everywhere, I thought (and perhaps not incorrectly). Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? And isn't there a Bible verse that says God makes beauty from ashes? I can find beauty in places where others cannot. These thoughts, though none blatantly incorrect and most of which would encourage and inspire the Christian, were twisted and abused and I used them to justify my sin. I was listening to a lot of the latest greatest pop culture music. I still do sometimes, but I don't mistake its message for beauty. I was looking at ungodly actions and telling myself that God would make beauty from ashes so being in 'ashes' was not so bad. I abused the message that beauty could be found anywhere - including in sinful situations. Instead, I thought I found beauty in sin. I began to hear these words: Sin is not beautiful. Keep looking for be...

My little sister has always seemed older than her years. Life is very simple to her and even the most complex of situations are black and white -- and she knows she's right. Though usually her insite lacks a comprehensive understanding of circumstances, sometimes her causal comments are worthy of considerable thought. A particularly provoking comment arose while she listened to me stress about staying in contact with relatives and friends. There were phone calls I hadn't returned, emails to which I hadn't replied, and 'thank you' cards that I hadn't mailed. She speaks to me in the fashion of a old sage who is slightly dumbfounded by the young ones lack of understanding. "Sissy...there is always someone else to call." She wasn't referring to my endless list of relatives and friends that were deserving of my attention. She was referring to my relatives and friends -- that they were the 'someone else' who could call me. Her wo...

I know what it's like to be ridiculously depressed and too anxious to breathe. I have also been faced with a situation where I genuinely pondered if I could live with the outcome. I thought to myself, "I now understand how people could kill themselves." I can still understand, but in a very different way. The Kind Father has shown so much mercy to me... My current roommate makes my third friend to express their fantasies of death to me. I have read books and gone to suicide prevention seminars. I have a list of "do's and don't's" for helping suicidal people. I have been told (so many times...) that I am ultimately not responsible for their actions. I have read the Christian articles with the most unhelpful advice of "you just need Jesus" and "being depressed is a choice - so just don't be depressed and read another Bible devotional instead." Thanks for nothing... I have struggled so much (and still do) with how to he...