deciphering the days

I want to have a space where I fit comfortably, both body and mind. I do not feel that I have ever experienced any significant level of comfort from my environment. Of course, like most people, I do own a couple of items that always make me feel better in a 'security blanket' manner. However, it is always a struggle to find them in the midst of the crowded atmosphere that has always been my house. Unnecessary stressors significantly outnumber the happy items. Maybe this is due to the lack of cleanliness and/or the excess items that surround me, and the people I have lived with, but regardless as to why, I never thought my house could be a source of pleasure, comfort, and energy. But maybe it can. I want to have a space where I fit comfortably, both in body and mind. For the first time, I have my own place, for Husband and me (yay us!!). Perhaps we can make our house a happy place. I want our belongings to be important and to fit comfortably within our home. No more forcing....

I will be home for Christmas, and in therapy for New Year's - and it's only Thanksgiving... Happy Thanksgiving ya'll. I am really thankful for my fiance. We have dated for almost four years, and are getting married in exactly fifty days. I am very thankful for that! We aren't ready for the event yet, but we are definitely ready to be married. I am thankful for my wonderful host family - who are some of my best friends. Their wisdom and light keep me from falling into my own despair. I am thankful for the church family that I will be a part of when I move to Georgia. The vastness of their kindness has already washed over me - and I haven't actually joined with them yet. It's sprinkling rain right now, and considering the wildfires of Western NC, I am very grateful for any and all moisture that touched the earth. I could keep writing for pages about all of the things for which I am thankful, and yet I find it so difficult to stay happy during the...

I have bad habits. Of course, right? So do we all. But I think there are different types of bad habits. There are the ones that I know are bad but I don't really mind if other people know about them, like how I am impatient toward drivers who cut me off. And there is another type. The habits that do not make me feel pretty, loveable, or respectable - and I certainly do not want others to know about them. They are not detrimental to my health - at least not obviously, but nonetheless, I do not want anyone else to know. I am ashamed. And I do them anyway. I long to be beautiful when I am with others and when I am alone. Hopefully not in a super conceited way, but rather in a way that reflects the Maker's original design. I do not act with these 'bad manners' when I am in the company of other - so why when I am alone? I regularly yelp about the soap box of 'we should have enough self-respect for ourselves that we act in a becoming manner regardless of whose pre...

Let's face it, I consider myself a master of lists. You name, I can make a list out of it. I have a packing list, reading list, summer to-do list, recipes to try list, school assignment list, morning routine list, an extensive wedding planning list, a list of people to call, and the list goes on forever!!!! Making lists helps me to think clearly, organize my thoughts, and to quit worrying about things. However, the lists that are designed to help me 'rule my life' will occasionally rule me. All of my lists are self-imposed. There is no reason I have to get assignments turned in early and it really is okay if I feed my goldfish every other day because I don't always remember. But I sometimes forget that. My lists start frustrating me: causing me anxiety and feelings of incompetence. I stress about not getting enough things done or spending my time doing the 'wrong' things. What if there is a more efficient way to organize my day/list? I realize it the mos...