struggles

At certain times in my life, there are things that I shouldn't struggle with anymore, or so I think. In the last day or so I have unsuccessfully backed out of a parking space (it felt like a fifteen point turn - seriously, I have been driving long enough to have figured this one out), successfully drop an entire carton of eggs across the Walmart check-out lane (boy was that a mess - and how many years of my life have I known to be extra careful with eggs?!?), and unsuccessfully kept bleach off my only pair of black dress pants (a beautiful shade of bright pink though). Will it ever end?

I mistakenly think that if I just 'grow up,' then I will 'grow out' of such trivial problems.

I do this with God as well, particularly in dealing with my guilt of past struggles. There are a lot of ways I have hurt myself and my relationship with God. And of course, I have also been hurt. I am discovering that I often think getting past these guilts and hurts means to grow up, figure out a more mature and adult way to view the situation, and then chalk everything up to my 'childish perspective' at the time. I tell myself, "I didn't know who God was at the time, that's why my I didn't take responsibility" or "I was hurt at the time, but only because I didn't really understand other people's perspectives." Now, having asked forgiveness and understanding the situational dynamics, I have no reasons to feel guilty or hurt. I am older and wiser and looking to the future.

Yeah right.

I still feel guilty and I still feel hurt.

Bonnie Gray, in her book Finding Spiritual Whitespace talks about this concept and says,

"I am learning that some of the stories I've merely viewed as childhood memories are still live events....I thought I had moved past them. By growing up. By depending on God--in the sincerity of my heart--to move myself further away..." (Gray)

But for me, and as she goes on to explain, it doesn't work like that. Moving myself away from hurt isn't making it go away. If I am feeling the hurt and confusion now, I need to treat the situation as a present situation. Not to only analyze why I was hurt at the time but also to analyze why I am still hurting.

Maybe it's because I am not understanding the vastness of His forgiveness.

Maybe it's because I'm always chalking my feelings up to childlike emotions, and have never just never given myself permission to be sad over a legitimate hurt - legitimate when I experienced it as a child and still legitimate now!

Maybe it's something God is still revealing to me.

I dunno. I'm rambling. But then, that is the point of this blog. Good job Blog, you are serving your purpose.

I haven't finished the book by Gray yet, so if she provokes any more epiphanies, maybe I will post.

Or if God reveals more to me.

Meanwhile, I'm walking to the store for more eggs and some black fabric dye. And I am thankful that we have a God who forgives, and who provides me with friends that do not mind my many mishaps!

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