forgiveness, grace, protection, and love
How can being alone affect me this much?
School is out, the stress of finals is over (though I am still dreaming about it), and I have a whole week to myself before summer classes begin. This should be a great time - a time to rejuvenate and catch up on lost sleep.
But no.
I watched my friends head out for the summer, most of which will be back periodically. And this weekend I am heading out of town myself. Just four days by myself. Just four days.
No problem, right?
But no.
There are books to read, pictures to paint, a house to clean, and my ritual 'out-with-the-old-semester-in-with-the-new' cleaning. I can wash laundry, organize files, apply for a job, and go exploring around the town.
I mostly did those things....
But being alone has a very dramatic effect. I am an introvert and enjoy time away from people, as long as I know they're still there. But right now they aren't here; it's just me.
I change emotions about fifteen times a day. Usually I walk through the door and count myself blessed if I beat everyone home by fifteen minutes: it means I have time to compose myself in peace before they all arrive. And yet, just now, I walked through my door, no one is here, and I almost cried.
Last night, at 1:30 am, I am up, sobbing, and painfully aware of every my destructive act concerning my dating relationship. And composing an email asking for forgiveness. Again.
My boyfriend and I have talked about these things. We both have been destructive at times; it's in our sin nature.
But why, when I am alone for only a day, am I so aware of my depravity and so unaware of forgiveness. Why, when I am in silence with myself, can I not bear it. In tears. I am in tears. WHY?!?
I wonder if I just do not like myself that much. Or if I am that unresolved, that everything ever bubbles to the surface when given half a chance.
I am fearful of God. And not in the good way.
But really?!?!? I can't be alone with myself without bouncing through crazy emotional highs and lows and I feel like I can't face God with these feelings, and I can't even explain to my BF what I am feeling. I don't even know what is the problem, or why it's a problem.
This seems so dramatic.
"Oh yeah, I'm just sittin' over here crying, cuz, well, ya know, I'm just by myself for day..."
I would like to say it is all from the stress of finals, job hunting, and getting over a cold. But it's not. I know it's not. I've done this before.
I am also quite concerned that I might not turn out to be a good person. What if I grow up, get married, and then make my husband's life miserable? What if I turn out to be a very angry person? What if I have a terrible misconception of who I am now, and one day I will wake up and realize that I was just fooling myself and I really don't like the people I thought I liked, and instead of a cool-headed person I am an angry "irrational, irascible old savage" (Heidi, 1968).
Okay, so there is the emotional mess poured out in one less-than-super-cohesive page.
But what does it mean and how do I deal with it?
Well I don't really know. But I have some thoughts.
When I am not consistently doing something (for God, myself, and others) then I start to realize how my past performance is below what I consider acceptable, and I don't know how to deal with that. And I ache to do more - anything! Which is where the stressed emails and waves of emotional blogs come from.
After a long talk with the BF last night I blatantly asked if he was resentful of me and the situations "I" got us into. That was terrifying. But then I had to ask "Why not?" Why was he not resentful - he has every right to be!
Basically his answer was that we looked at sinful "black spots" differently. To me, the spots are active black holes that are eating at our beings. To him they are overshadowed by God's grace, protection, and love for us.
But we were angry and could have been so destructive. And the only reason we weren't was God's grace, protection, and love.
But we were self absorbed and could have taken advantage of each other. And the only reason we didn't was God's grace, protection, and love.
But we were hurt and have reason to resent each other. And the only reason we don't is God's grace, protection, and love.
So the moral of this story...I have a lot to learn about God's forgiveness, grace, protection, and love. And that it extends to me. From Him. And from other believers. And from me to myself. I don't need to fear Him, fear others, or fear myself.
My preacher cleared up some of the we-are-under-grace-and-there-is-nothing-we-can-do-to-earn-our-salvation-but-we-can't-abuse-the-grace paradox for me. He said that we still have responsibilities, but that these responsibilities no longer have an affect on the new covenant. We can't fulfill the terms of the covenant with our actions. Jesus already did all that.
But I'm still trying. I feel like my actions have influence over my covenant-al acceptance.
And maybe in the still God is trying to teach me otherwise and is revealing to me that I do not understand His forgiveness at all yet. And the vastness of His protection. Protection from my guilt, shame, and regret.
So yay! I have written a cute blog and ended it with a 'look to God' speech. But I have NO idea what that looks like. I need to understand God's grace, protection, and love more. Well it's poetically fun but what do I do with it?!?! How do I get here! I have no idea. Understand His forgiveness more. Oh yeah, sure, I will just pull some understanding out of thin air, apply it to my life, and I should be good to go - by tomorrow at the latest.
I don't know how I get this understanding. I know the church answer is "Repent and believe - trust in Him."
Yes well. I am going to go fix an iced-coffee, count my blessings, take a shower, finish my Christian self-help book, continue in my Bible study, pack for my trip, and pray my heart out. (Yay! a list...hmm...) And in all the doing, I pray for help and understanding and a deepened love for Him.
"I believe; help my unbelief!" Mark 9:24b (ESV)
School is out, the stress of finals is over (though I am still dreaming about it), and I have a whole week to myself before summer classes begin. This should be a great time - a time to rejuvenate and catch up on lost sleep.
But no.
I watched my friends head out for the summer, most of which will be back periodically. And this weekend I am heading out of town myself. Just four days by myself. Just four days.
No problem, right?
But no.
There are books to read, pictures to paint, a house to clean, and my ritual 'out-with-the-old-semester-in-with-the-new' cleaning. I can wash laundry, organize files, apply for a job, and go exploring around the town.
I mostly did those things....
But being alone has a very dramatic effect. I am an introvert and enjoy time away from people, as long as I know they're still there. But right now they aren't here; it's just me.
I change emotions about fifteen times a day. Usually I walk through the door and count myself blessed if I beat everyone home by fifteen minutes: it means I have time to compose myself in peace before they all arrive. And yet, just now, I walked through my door, no one is here, and I almost cried.
Last night, at 1:30 am, I am up, sobbing, and painfully aware of every my destructive act concerning my dating relationship. And composing an email asking for forgiveness. Again.
My boyfriend and I have talked about these things. We both have been destructive at times; it's in our sin nature.
But why, when I am alone for only a day, am I so aware of my depravity and so unaware of forgiveness. Why, when I am in silence with myself, can I not bear it. In tears. I am in tears. WHY?!?
I wonder if I just do not like myself that much. Or if I am that unresolved, that everything ever bubbles to the surface when given half a chance.
I am fearful of God. And not in the good way.
But really?!?!? I can't be alone with myself without bouncing through crazy emotional highs and lows and I feel like I can't face God with these feelings, and I can't even explain to my BF what I am feeling. I don't even know what is the problem, or why it's a problem.
This seems so dramatic.
"Oh yeah, I'm just sittin' over here crying, cuz, well, ya know, I'm just by myself for day..."
I would like to say it is all from the stress of finals, job hunting, and getting over a cold. But it's not. I know it's not. I've done this before.
I am also quite concerned that I might not turn out to be a good person. What if I grow up, get married, and then make my husband's life miserable? What if I turn out to be a very angry person? What if I have a terrible misconception of who I am now, and one day I will wake up and realize that I was just fooling myself and I really don't like the people I thought I liked, and instead of a cool-headed person I am an angry "irrational, irascible old savage" (Heidi, 1968).
Okay, so there is the emotional mess poured out in one less-than-super-cohesive page.
But what does it mean and how do I deal with it?
Well I don't really know. But I have some thoughts.
When I am not consistently doing something (for God, myself, and others) then I start to realize how my past performance is below what I consider acceptable, and I don't know how to deal with that. And I ache to do more - anything! Which is where the stressed emails and waves of emotional blogs come from.
After a long talk with the BF last night I blatantly asked if he was resentful of me and the situations "I" got us into. That was terrifying. But then I had to ask "Why not?" Why was he not resentful - he has every right to be!
Basically his answer was that we looked at sinful "black spots" differently. To me, the spots are active black holes that are eating at our beings. To him they are overshadowed by God's grace, protection, and love for us.
But we were angry and could have been so destructive. And the only reason we weren't was God's grace, protection, and love.
But we were self absorbed and could have taken advantage of each other. And the only reason we didn't was God's grace, protection, and love.
But we were hurt and have reason to resent each other. And the only reason we don't is God's grace, protection, and love.
So the moral of this story...I have a lot to learn about God's forgiveness, grace, protection, and love. And that it extends to me. From Him. And from other believers. And from me to myself. I don't need to fear Him, fear others, or fear myself.
My preacher cleared up some of the we-are-under-grace-and-there-is-nothing-we-can-do-to-earn-our-salvation-but-we-can't-abuse-the-grace paradox for me. He said that we still have responsibilities, but that these responsibilities no longer have an affect on the new covenant. We can't fulfill the terms of the covenant with our actions. Jesus already did all that.
But I'm still trying. I feel like my actions have influence over my covenant-al acceptance.
And maybe in the still God is trying to teach me otherwise and is revealing to me that I do not understand His forgiveness at all yet. And the vastness of His protection. Protection from my guilt, shame, and regret.
So yay! I have written a cute blog and ended it with a 'look to God' speech. But I have NO idea what that looks like. I need to understand God's grace, protection, and love more. Well it's poetically fun but what do I do with it?!?! How do I get here! I have no idea. Understand His forgiveness more. Oh yeah, sure, I will just pull some understanding out of thin air, apply it to my life, and I should be good to go - by tomorrow at the latest.
I don't know how I get this understanding. I know the church answer is "Repent and believe - trust in Him."
Yes well. I am going to go fix an iced-coffee, count my blessings, take a shower, finish my Christian self-help book, continue in my Bible study, pack for my trip, and pray my heart out. (Yay! a list...hmm...) And in all the doing, I pray for help and understanding and a deepened love for Him.
"I believe; help my unbelief!" Mark 9:24b (ESV)
Comments
Post a Comment