deciphering the days

I read Atomic Habits last year. I tried goal setting, time management, kanban boards, more planners and organizers, another wave of Marie Kondo.  It's not helping.  So I re-evaluated pain points, did some strategic planning, and have a new plan.  I will now get up 15-30 minutes earlier every morning before work. During that time, I will do household tasks that need done, are building up, or feel like they are unfairly my responsibility. Nothing too dirty of course, because I will be heading out to work. But unloading and loading the dishwasher, washing couch cushions, dusting the china cabinet that I don't even want, sorting the mail; the list goes on. But I have energy in the morning, and it feels nice to knock out a task before anything else. I am also more awake and engaging when I get to work. Then when I get home, I don't clean the house. I clean up after myself, and keep things moving, but I do not have to spend my evenings cleaning. My husband doesn't; I don'...

My husband loves icebreaker questions.  - If you were an animal, what kind? - If you could have any superpower, which one and why? - If you had to own a restaurant or food truck, what would you sell? I'm not so great with icebreakers; never sure how much thought to put into an answer. And the last has historically been left unanswered. I would never own a restaurant or food truck - I worked food service for almost ten years  (host, waitress, cook, and dish washer) . I can't even imagine choosing to own any business in the restaurant industry, not even for a game.  But during a conversation with friends about food we ate growing up, I found my answer: I would own a food truck that sells deep southern soul food - an "Appalachian Eats" of sorts.  The southern cuisine  is perhaps the only aspect of my culture that I embrace.  Appalachian Eats Menu Mornin' Y'all Grits (butter or cheese) (note: salty only, no sweet grits ) Biscuit and Sausage Gravy Buttered Biscu...

They say the greatest of these is love. I just wish that love was all it took to keep people on this earth. That love was enough to win battles.  But death doesn't care if you are loved.  Love isn't enough to keep my cousin with mental health issues alive. They said, "if he just new how much we loved him, would he have reconsidered?" Love isn't enough when comforting my aunt, who believes self-harm removes you from God's love. All I can say is: If we loved him this much, how much more must God love him. But I wonder, if love isn't enough.  Love isn't enough to keep the unborn child in the womb; not even a mom who prayed and prayed for a baby, cried at the positive test, and cried when the reality of loss hit. We cried together in the classroom, before she wiped the tears and went back to teaching everyone else's children. A mother's love for her children is not enough to keep her from the manic swings and the depressive swings. From kicking us ...

My counselor separated my emotions, thoughts, and responses into rocks. The big rock is Core Me. When I was young, events caused damaged to Core Me, so I created defenses to keep me safe. The defenses were good, but they started to work overtime, responding when not necessary. Core Me does not need those defenses, as adult me can handle the emotions and minimize the damage, but my defenses don't know that.  I also have adult responses, that react when events get past my defenses, which are almost always negative coping mechanisms, as I still haven't practiced managing events as an adult.  Last week, I was tired, stressed, and was invited to a social event with my husband. He wanted me to join. I wanted to join. But I couldn't. I was planning to do the social event. I didn't know the other people. I hadn't prepared. I wasn't ready. I couldn't do it. But I probably could have, if I just didn't care about all the other things. But I couldn't. So I didn...