my rocks

My counselor separated my emotions, thoughts, and responses into rocks.

The big rock is Core Me. When I was young, events caused damaged to Core Me, so I created defenses to keep me safe. The defenses were good, but they started to work overtime, responding when not necessary. Core Me does not need those defenses, as adult me can handle the emotions and minimize the damage, but my defenses don't know that. 

I also have adult responses, that react when events get past my defenses, which are almost always negative coping mechanisms, as I still haven't practiced managing events as an adult. 

Last week, I was tired, stressed, and was invited to a social event with my husband. He wanted me to join. I wanted to join. But I couldn't. I was planning to do the social event. I didn't know the other people. I hadn't prepared. I wasn't ready. I couldn't do it. But I probably could have, if I just didn't care about all the other things. But I couldn't. So I didn't. And instead of feeling better, I cried. 

"I hate that I am like this." 

I said that. 

Apparently that is what my counselor meant by vilifying my past. I don't need to hate my defense responses - they took care of me during my childhood. But I do need to recognize them, and choose whether I want them or not. 


Defenses

  • Anxiety - defending me against not knowing when someone is made or disappointed in me
  • Independence - defending me against not having needs me, not having any help when asking for it, being a burden for existing 
  • Social seclusion, general distrust and social paranoia - defending me from embarrassment and social insecurities and uncertainties from not having friends and not knowing how to interact with peers - I was feel like everyone is judging me, not really my friend, and I don't fit in
  • Emotional detachment - no one else was allowed to have feelings except mom, and when she had big feelings the SOP was to not engage and run around her fixing anything that might be a trigger. 
  • Control - If I can just control everything, I can avoid feelings of nervousness and vulnerability. But this turns into anxiety over all the possible outcomes and everything I cannot control. 

Responses
  • Fixation - hyper-cleaning, obsession over new art project, reorganizing, minimalism, re-doing entire rooms 
    • how much is learning to self express and how much is a bad response?
  • Depending on the sisters (the "adopted" ones) to fix everything. "I don't need other friends, I have them."

Edits
  • Taking "Escapism - reading, media scrolling, stories in my head" off the responses list. More like a coping mechanisms, because reading doesn't effect my work, my household responsibilities, etc. I use it to give my brain something else to think about; that's good. 

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