deciphering the days

They say the greatest of these is love. I just wish that love was all it took to keep people on this earth. That love was enough to win battles.  But death doesn't care if you are loved.  Love isn't enough to keep my cousin with mental health issues alive. They said, "if he just new how much we loved him, would he have reconsidered?" Love isn't enough when comforting my aunt, who believes self-harm removes you from God's love. All I can say is: If we loved him this much, how much more must God love him. But I wonder, if love isn't enough.  Love isn't enough to keep the unborn child in the womb; not even a mom who prayed and prayed for a baby, cried at the positive test, and cried when the reality of loss hit. We cried together in the classroom, before she wiped the tears and went back to teaching everyone else's children. A mother's love for her children is not enough to keep her from the manic swings and the depressive swings. From kicking us ...

My counselor separated my emotions, thoughts, and responses into rocks. The big rock is Core Me. When I was young, events caused damaged to Core Me, so I created defenses to keep me safe. The defenses were good, but they started to work overtime, responding when not necessary. Core Me does not need those defenses, as adult me can handle the emotions and minimize the damage, but my defenses don't know that.  I also have adult responses, that react when events get past my defenses, which are almost always negative coping mechanisms, as I still haven't practiced managing events as an adult.  Last week, I was tired, stressed, and was invited to a social event with my husband. He wanted me to join. I wanted to join. But I couldn't. I was planning to do the social event. I didn't know the other people. I hadn't prepared. I wasn't ready. I couldn't do it. But I probably could have, if I just didn't care about all the other things. But I couldn't. So I didn...

People warned me about being thirty: Hairs turn grey Metabolism changes and weight is gained Knees and back will start hurting Acid reflux and early bedtimes are part of life Forever being "29"  Well I'm thirty. And maybe some of the warnings did come true, but I take pride in not letting it bother me. Not hiding the fact that I am in my 30's, and not thinking about being 30 since being 29 and everyone talking about it. Until now. I am thinking about being 30 now. Parts of it are not that great and do need a warning, but not what people were talking about.  Warnings that are actually needed about being thirty: Parents are starting to age. Overnight stays in hospitals are going to start happening, and they require thoughtfulness and planning (did I pack a phone charger for myself and the patient, when do I get food, am I sleeping, are they sleeping, when should I go for a walk and when should I stay by their side?) You and your siblings are going to start parenting you...

excommunicate : verb . officially exclude (someone) from participation in the sacraments and services of the Christian Church. For as long as I can remember, I use the word "excommunicate" to describe how my mom goes through spells of no-contact with her children. She refuses to speak to us, won't answer or make phone calls, won't respond to texts or messages. She excommunicates us.  Not just us. She excommunicated her mother. There are photos with sharpie marker covering faces and empty circle cut-outs of who once was there. Her mother also excommunicated her mother.  It's a nasty curse that I have been attempting to break. I have been temporarily excommunicated in the past, with a relatively fast pardon (6 months or less).  Not sure what's going to happen this time though.  We had a miscommunication around the holidays which left her feeling unloved and unimportant, despite my calls, pleas, and assurance that it was just a misunderstanding. She wasn't ha...