deciphering the days

Forever on my journey toward sanity and healing, deconstruction and restoration.  ******* I stumbled across these two sayings during my internet scrolling:  “People will say this made me stronger, but I was a child. I didn’t need to be stronger. I needed to be safe.” (Stacy Kaiser, I think) "Father said we are not to cry." "That is because father is incapable of human emotion. You are ten. You can cry if you feel like it." (Vampire Dairies)  ******* I was retelling a childhood story to some friends the other day and made the statement, "and despite having never done anything particularly interesting in my life, somehow I am the black sheep of the family." They found it quite surprising that I was a "black sheep." Later I pondered if it was more of being the least favorite, rather than an outcast. I soon decided that was not worth my time or thought, and let it go.  A few days later, I was talking to my older brother and he mentioned his IQ score....

I am starting my sixth year teaching. That's not many years, but it seems like a lot at the moment. If I could go back and change the teacher orientation speech that I was given, here's some points to include: Every year is the exception. My first year was difficult only because it was my first year and I was building curriculum and learning classroom management. My second year was difficult - but only because we changed gradebook platforms, moved all of our assessments digitally, and because I had to fill in for the teacher next door who was on maternity leave. My third year was also difficult, but that was only because we changed assessment platforms and Covid hit that spring so we were digital. My fourth year was difficult, but that was during a pandemic and we were hybrid digital/in-person and that's not likely to happen again, so a different school year would be easier. My fifth year was difficult too, but that's because we changed assessment platforms (again), kid...

I have been drowning since watching someone else go under water.  The other person is fine; it was intentional. It was a baptism. Technically I'm fine too. I'm drowning in memories and emotions, not water.  The preacher talked about finding home in community and finding life in Jesus. We sang "How Deep The Father’s Love For Us." The peacefulness of the event was pulling me under as quickly as was the absence of fire, brimstone, and hell.  Was this what baptism was supposed to be? People were hoping the sun would come out just for a moment, as the North Sea was cold and those getting baptized would appreciate the warmth. I was hoping that the water from the sky hid the water from my eyes.  Or maybe others would assume my tears were of joy, because I knew one of the people being baptized.  I went about the rest of the day, telling myself that I wasn't that bothered. But night came, and the pressure I felt suggested it was the darkness of the ocean floor rather tha...

Do I get this risqué? Do I say these thoughts? Or do I always leave this post as a draft? ******* At this age and stage of life, most of my friends are married. But there was a time where I was going to back-to-back bridal showers and engagement parties. A common party activity was to write a note to the soon-to-be newlyweds, giving them advice on marriage.  My husband and I dated for four years and have been married for five. So at the time of all these parties, I didn't know much about marriage (not that I do now) and, per my usual social anxiety, I could never think of ANYTHING to write on those dumb cards.  'Don't go to bed angry.' 'Write each other love notes.' 'The couple who prays together, stays together.' Um...no. Absolutely not. I will not be writing those things. But I could never think of anything better. Until now.  Now I would say to the women (assuming I have the courage), "do not feel guilty, live and learn, and talk to each other....