newlywed advice

Do I get this risqué? Do I say these thoughts? Or do I always leave this post as a draft?

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At this age and stage of life, most of my friends are married. But there was a time where I was going to back-to-back bridal showers and engagement parties. A common party activity was to write a note to the soon-to-be newlyweds, giving them advice on marriage. 

My husband and I dated for four years and have been married for five. So at the time of all these parties, I didn't know much about marriage (not that I do now) and, per my usual social anxiety, I could never think of ANYTHING to write on those dumb cards. 

'Don't go to bed angry.'

'Write each other love notes.'

'The couple who prays together, stays together.'

Um...no. Absolutely not. I will not be writing those things. But I could never think of anything better. Until now. 

Now I would say to the women (assuming I have the courage), "do not feel guilty, live and learn, and talk to each other."

Do Not Feel Guilty: Do not feel guilty for having sex. Do not feel guilty for having sex in weird positions, for having kinks and preferences, or for having fantasies and daydreams. If you enjoy being blindfolded or like it rough, it does not mean you are desecrating the holy covenant of sex. Do not feel guilty for needing to rub yourself because you can't communicate to him in the moment. Do not feel guilty when you aren't in the mood. 

Live and Learn: Learn how to masturbate and then teach your husband what you like (it's fine - I promise! You're not going to hell because of that). Buy a vibrator. You won't cheapen sex by using a vibrator to help you get off. In contrast, sex could be even more fun for both of you. Learn what he likes and learn how to do it. If he has a stronger sex drive than you, learn how to rub him off. Blow jobs, shower/soap jobs, hand jobs, between the boob jobs - there are options that take pressure off of you. Learn to say the things you thought you weren't allowed to even think: tell your husband you want him to fuck you. 

Talk to Each Other: Tell each other what you like and what you don't. Tell each other what you want to try, even if you don't think they are up for it. Know the conditions around how the other likes to experiment. Talk about your boundaries surrounding all things sex, from masturbation to experimentation to locations. It doesn't matter if what you want to talk about is more risqué than missionary sex; most things are. It does not make you weird. It does not make you ungodly. It makes you human.

But will I actually have the courage to write anything similar, given the opportunity at the next engagement party? Probably not. 

Where is all this stemming from? I blame a lot of it on purity culture. 

My mom's beliefs surrounding sex education can be summed in the word 'abstinence.' From what I was abstaining, I could not have said. I had a 'promise ring' before I started my period. 

My church youth group taught that I was responsible for a man's sexual desires based on the way I dressed. "Modest is hottest" was branded in my thoughts and reflected in every outfit...and was a total lie. Modest was not "hot," that was the point. But we never talked about the point. We talked about how our clothes needed to lift up men and lift up God. But what about us? 

Apparently my mom thought I was having sex with my high school boyfriend and she did not talk to me about it or put me on birth control. Thankfully it was not necessary because we weren't...but if she thought I was, then why not do something?  

I was 28 years old when I finally bought a crop-top hoodie and booty shorts. Do I wear them out in public? No. Do I finally feel comfortable enough in my own skin to wear them around the house by myself? Finally. Do I sometimes wear them around the house when my husband is home? Rarely and only when I am feeling courageous - and my husband loves every second. 

I'm just now getting there, after five years of marriage. To the point that sex doesn't seem strange. That I don't feel dirty. That I can talk about wants, say sexy things to my husband, and have desires outside missionary. That I can touch his cock without wondering if I have made the sexual encounter too shallow and therefore will get struck by lightening, judged, or found wanting. That I can call him when I'm on my way home and express my desires to be pushed up against a wall. 

That being sexual does not mean losing part of myself. 

*******

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES: Dr. Kevin Leman has published many a book on Christian sexuality. Most recently, I read Sheet Music and, despite the incessant puns, I found it quite helpful.

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