four little black sheep

Forever on my journey toward sanity and healing, deconstruction and restoration. 

*******

I stumbled across these two sayings during my internet scrolling: 

  • “People will say this made me stronger, but I was a child. I didn’t need to be stronger. I needed to be safe.” (Stacy Kaiser, I think)
  • "Father said we are not to cry." "That is because father is incapable of human emotion. You are ten. You can cry if you feel like it." (Vampire Dairies) 
*******

I was retelling a childhood story to some friends the other day and made the statement, "and despite having never done anything particularly interesting in my life, somehow I am the black sheep of the family." They found it quite surprising that I was a "black sheep." Later I pondered if it was more of being the least favorite, rather than an outcast. I soon decided that was not worth my time or thought, and let it go. 

A few days later, I was talking to my older brother and he mentioned his IQ score. Upon questioning how he knew his IQ, I discovered that our mother took him to get the test done after she equated his poor performance in the disaster she called homeschooling to being mentally challenged. He is not. She might be though. 

Home schooling was getting handed a textbook, being told to learn its contents, and failing a multiple-choice assessment found on page 375. Then getting yelled at for being mentally slow. For being distracted. For being lazy. For being unmotivated. For being unappreciative of opportunities. For being entitled. 

I also distinctly remember being told by my mother to be more like my older brother; more studious, a better reader, and better at school.  

I don't know what that should say about how she perceived MY intelligence quotient, but it probably wasn't good. 

Each of the children recount very different tales from our childhood. But it was remarkably the same for all four of us. 

On a positive note, I no longer feel like the black sheep, outcast, or least favorite of the four. 

I am just one of the four. 

And it's somehow a relief. I wasn't alone, even when I felt like it. 

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