deciphering the days

Okay so I did it! Last January I ordered I keyboard from Amazon, got a few instructional books and some sheet music, and spent lots of time on the phone with my best friend (who incidentally has a masters in music). Queue a month or two later, I wasn't making much progress so I bought a book for teaching kindergarteners to play the piano... Queue August, still not much progress - but I started piano lessons!! I've only had one lesson so far, so of course I can't play anything yet. And I am basically still working through the kindergartener book, but instead of bright colors and farm animals, it's neutral colors and for the "older beginner." But it's progress! And now I actually have specific things to practice when I sit down to play, and accountability, and something to do when I get home. And all those things are nice.

 image credit:  https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I first learned about it during my time at the community college, in psych class. The highest tier, self-actualization, was inspiring. Getting there was my goal. But I greatly misunderstood where 'there' was. I am sure I will laugh at myself in years to come for saying this now, but I feel like I have reached a point where I have become reasonably self-aware. I have learned a lot about my personality, my tendencies, and general traits. I can usually predict how I will react in certain situations. But here's the catch. I haven't been able to do anything about it. For example, when I realize that I'm going into a situation where I will likely be short tempered and have my patience tried, I think "Well if I know it's coming, I can do something about it." And then the situation comes and I don't do anything about. Nothing useful at least. It...

I'm afraid. I've been ignoring it. Pretending like I'm not. Blaming it on lack of finances or hiding behind the name of practicality. But it's not that. It's that I am afraid. I was afraid of the responsibility of being a chemist. So I became a teacher instead. I was afraid of having a kayak (how stupid is that?!?). It would cost too much money for the kayak and paddles and life jacket and car rack, where would I store it, what if it was too heavy for me and I couldn't put it on the car, what if I waste our money on a hobby I don't really care about, what if this is just a summer fad? What if I fail at my hobbies and waste my time and money? What if I am just becoming a Jack of All Trades and Master of None where I am not really good at anything but dump resources on everything and anything? I was afraid of playing the piano. What if I was no good at it, what if wasted money on a keyboard that I never used, where would I put it, what if I don't...

No. Not my husband. My best friend from middle school. A wise mentor once spoke to me concerning our friendship and general life patterns. She said that my best friend desperately needed to learn her independence, that she couldn't just follow me around, living wherever I lived, doing life however I did. She said that my friend could not forever keep overlaying her life on mine. One day I would move on to a place that my friend couldn't follow, and hopefully my friend could manage on her own. And of course she was right (and still is for that matter). But sometimes, just for a moment, I think she was wrong. I think... it is not my friend that follows me around. It is not my friend who overlays her life with mine. It is not her that cannot exist without our security blanket of a friendship. It's me. I don't want to be without her. I will keep intertwining our lives, offering my home the second she looks for one, providing a space, welcoming and supporting my fr...