deciphering the days

My alarm goes off and I'm not sure how, but I get up. I get dressed. I eat something and get on the public transportation. I go to class. As soon as I can, I come back home and go to sleep before work. My grades are dropping. I don't like that. I haven't gone grocery shopping. I don't care. My roommate is suicidal. I go to meetings about suicide prevention. I talk to a counselor. Not about myself, about my suicidal roommate. I should have talked about myself. I'm not happy. I smile for everyone. I can't fall asleep. I sleep all the time. I can't get out of bed. I am never late to class or work. I add up all the time I spend in class, plus the recommended time for working on school outside of class, plus the hours at work. There are not that many hours in the week. I barely eat. It's almost night and I'm in bed. I need to study. I can't sleep but I'm tired. It happens. Again. It has every night this week. I'm laying on my back, fal...

"Have you spoken to Joshua* and Marie* recently? Do you keep up with them?" inquires a good friend of mine? Being very fond of Joshua and Marie, I reply, "Unfortunately, I haven't spoken to them in a while but Husband was going to have breakfast with Joshua last week! I don't know if they did. Why? What's new and awesome with the Smiths*?" "Oh. I am guessing you haven't heard...they are getting a divorce." It was one of those moments where literally everything stopped. My friend kept talking but I wasn't listening. Divorce? That is literally impossible. No, I don't mean 'figuratively.' I mean 'literally.' These two are my role models for life, relationships, fellowship, joy, spirituality - the list goes on! These two are solid Christians with real relationships with God. They have been instrumental in mine and my Husband's relationship. These people are inspiring - to everyone they meet! They are down to ea...

Have you heard this asian proverb before? I had not, until quite recently. ***** A farmer and his son had a beloved stallion who helped the family earn a living. One day, the horse ran away. When their neighbors heard the news, they all rushed to the farmer and exclaimed, “Your horse ran away, what terrible luck!” The farmer replied, "Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see." A few days later, the horse returned home, leading a few wild mares back to the farm as well. The nearby townsfolk then thought differently about the situation and shouted out: “Your horse has returned, and brought several horses home with him. What great luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.” Later that week, the farmer’s son was trying to break one of the mares and she threw him to the ground, breaking his leg. The villagers cried, “Your son broke his leg, what terrible luck!” The farmer replied, “Maybe so, maybe not. We’ll see.” A few weeks later, soldiers from the army marched ...

Yes, I have written about this subject before. Yes, I am writing about it again. Friday was a long, frustrating, tiring, and anxiety inducing day. I had projects, responsibilities, and leadership roles that were taxing my ability to be in multiple places at once. People were depending on me for resources that were not available. Unfortunately, I never had an opportunity to decompress before bed. That night, I woke up at three in the morning. I was thinking about work and worrying endlessly. I got up around four and made a work to-do list. I slept till six thirty-ish when the cycle repeated. I worked from my home computer until ten that morning. My chest felt tight for most of the day and occasionally my heart rate would spike and thoughts would become an incoherent, jumbled mess of worst-case scenarios and unrealistic outcomes. When I did fall asleep Saturday night, my dreams were of work and I did not stay in the same sleeping position for more than a half hour at a time. Su...