this time in college

My alarm goes off and I'm not sure how, but I get up. I get dressed. I eat something and get on the public transportation. I go to class. As soon as I can, I come back home and go to sleep before work. My grades are dropping. I don't like that. I haven't gone grocery shopping. I don't care. My roommate is suicidal. I go to meetings about suicide prevention. I talk to a counselor. Not about myself, about my suicidal roommate. I should have talked about myself. I'm not happy. I smile for everyone. I can't fall asleep. I sleep all the time. I can't get out of bed. I am never late to class or work. I add up all the time I spend in class, plus the recommended time for working on school outside of class, plus the hours at work. There are not that many hours in the week. I barely eat.

It's almost night and I'm in bed. I need to study. I can't sleep but I'm tired. It happens. Again. It has every night this week.

I'm laying on my back, falling asleep. In an instant: I see the spear - it's no use - I'm not fast! It pierces my abdomen, all the way through. Converting to a grappling hook it's claws wrap around my back as my body is abruptly hauled upward into the air. It hurts so much. I can't do anything.

I choke for air. I am awake and sitting upright in bed. I try to calm my breathing and wipe sweat from my face. No tears though. I am getting used to the pain and have become familiar with the panic. I know what is going to happen the instant I see the spear. I can never defend myself. 

I don't remember when the dreams started. I tried falling asleep on my side tonight. I thought it might help. I guess not. 

Days pass, maybe weeks. I die every night. I pray for help. I ask God to help me sleep - I just want to sleep without dying - can He just make the dream go away?!!? That's what I want - and it's not a lot.

I try to go to sleep tonight. I know what's going to happen, I just need to get it over with so maybe I can sleep for real. 

I'm laying on my back, falling asleep. In an instant: The spear - I see it! I tighten my gut and brace for impact as the sharpened point plunges toward me!

...It should hurt by now but it doesn't... 

Something happened. My eyes were diverted; I don't watch anymore, but I saw someone in white. He moved quickly - faster than the blade!

A man is suspended directly above my body with the tongs of the grappling holding him there. I scream - "NO!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!? IT HURTS!" I know the pain he is in; I know it too well. I know he chose to do that, to put himself between me and the blade, but why? I shout through tears: "DON'T DO THAT FOR ME! IT'S NOT WORTH IT. LET ME BE IN THE PAIN -  IT'S OKAY - I WILL BE OKAY! I'M USED TO IT -  YOU DON'T NEED TO DO THIS!" 

I pull myself close behind him as I say these things. I hold tightly to his shoulders; I know how it feels to be caught by the hook. I am sobbing. He is hurt and doesn't need to be.

I'm awake. I'm laying in my bed. I can breathe but I'm still sweating. And I am crying again, but harder than I ever cried over me dying. Why did he die for me? 

The next morning, somehow, I get out of bed. I get on the bus, go to class, come home, sleep, go to work, come home...and then I go to bed. 

The dream happens again. 

He saves me again. 

I cry for his pain again, but this time I am also grateful. Grateful that I'm not dead, or in pain, or gasping for breath.

I'm still depressed. My roommate is still suicidal. I keep having the dream too. But I haven't died since the first night He saved me. 

I don't remember when the dreams stopped.

2 Corinthians 12:8-9
Concerning this thing, I pleaded with the LORD three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore,  most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 

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