deciphering the days

So as many know, I just graduated with a chemistry degree and 3.7 something GPA. Many people in my life are not surprised. I, however, truly believed that I wouldn't get here. I am 'cleaning up' my computer and deleting the thousands of pictures and old, unread documents. I stumbled across some pre-college and early college writings... "I want to do well in school. I want to make people proud and live up to the expectations. Part of me feels like I am somehow lying to them because there are so many people who think I am so smart – book smart - and I really want to be. I want to be that person. But so often I am reminded that that is not me, or not by default. And I am concerned with what happens. I really want to do well. What If I don’t? So many people have put so much into me doing this and so much rides on it. If I don’t get this degree then what was the point of any of it? What will I do afterwards? ...I would be so ashamed to drop out of school and even to do...

Many of the stories I listen to or watch have a scene when the protagonist and side characters debate one's ability to choose . It goes something like this: "I had no choice!" "You always have a choice - you could have chosen differently!" "NO! You left me no other options - my hands were tied!" Etc., etc., you get the picture. So anyway. This has been on my mind a lot. Do we always have a choice? What about life and death choices that involve other people? Through my ponderings, I have come to a conclusion that we always have a choice but the darker conundrum is this: What freedom is found in a choice when we will be held captive by the consequences of that choice? Now I have no idea. I have just been contemplating this question for quite a while and that's all I have, but it has been on my heart and mind for a while so I put it in writing. 

I want to have a space where I fit comfortably, both body and mind. I do not feel that I have ever experienced any significant level of comfort from my environment. Of course, like most people, I do own a couple of items that always make me feel better in a 'security blanket' manner. However, it is always a struggle to find them in the midst of the crowded atmosphere that has always been my house. Unnecessary stressors significantly outnumber the happy items. Maybe this is due to the lack of cleanliness and/or the excess items that surround me, and the people I have lived with, but regardless as to why, I never thought my house could be a source of pleasure, comfort, and energy. But maybe it can. I want to have a space where I fit comfortably, both in body and mind. For the first time, I have my own place, for Husband and me (yay us!!). Perhaps we can make our house a happy place. I want our belongings to be important and to fit comfortably within our home. No more forcing....

I will be home for Christmas, and in therapy for New Year's - and it's only Thanksgiving... Happy Thanksgiving ya'll. I am really thankful for my fiance. We have dated for almost four years, and are getting married in exactly fifty days. I am very thankful for that! We aren't ready for the event yet, but we are definitely ready to be married. I am thankful for my wonderful host family - who are some of my best friends. Their wisdom and light keep me from falling into my own despair. I am thankful for the church family that I will be a part of when I move to Georgia. The vastness of their kindness has already washed over me - and I haven't actually joined with them yet. It's sprinkling rain right now, and considering the wildfires of Western NC, I am very grateful for any and all moisture that touched the earth. I could keep writing for pages about all of the things for which I am thankful, and yet I find it so difficult to stay happy during the...