deciphering the days

 I turned thirty! And it was as I predicted, quite thankfully.  No mid-life crisis. No guilt over the things I haven't done or the person I haven't become. No desire to cling to twenty-nine.  I saw an internet statement (can't find it now) that said a thirty-year-old is only a ten-year-old adult. If twenty is the age where we become "adults" (cause eighteen is still pretty young, but you can count it if you want), then we haven't been adults for very long. I'm only a ten-year-old adult. I have accomplished a lot in a mere ten years. I have changed a lot. There is still a lot to do, but it's exciting! Not weighing me down or depressing me. I can't do everything, and I don't want to. I will pick a few more things and enjoy them in the next few years.  So here's to being thirty and being ten and living a life that I like.

 You can always depend on me to write during the holidays.  This year's "discovery" was how strange it was to meet my siblings as adults.  We spent SOOOOO much time together as children, but then when we left, we really  left. At least I did.  I guess my older brother stuck around, but he got married and had kids immediately. I moved three hours away. My younger brother joined the military. That left my little sister still at home.  I go back for the holidays. I see people I recognize but I'm not sure I know them.  The older seems to have changed religions since last I knew, but I didn't ask.  The younger brother is married, has dogs, and isn't active military any more. Seems I missed an entire chapter of that story. The youngest is fifteen and now she is quiet and hyper aware of personal space. Being a new development, I don't know if these changes are a result of age, personality, or anxiety.  And there I am, married, only pseudo-religious,...

Forever on my journey toward sanity and healing, deconstruction and restoration.  ******* I stumbled across these two sayings during my internet scrolling:  “People will say this made me stronger, but I was a child. I didn’t need to be stronger. I needed to be safe.” (Stacy Kaiser, I think) "Father said we are not to cry." "That is because father is incapable of human emotion. You are ten. You can cry if you feel like it." (Vampire Dairies)  ******* I was retelling a childhood story to some friends the other day and made the statement, "and despite having never done anything particularly interesting in my life, somehow I am the black sheep of the family." They found it quite surprising that I was a "black sheep." Later I pondered if it was more of being the least favorite, rather than an outcast. I soon decided that was not worth my time or thought, and let it go.  A few days later, I was talking to my older brother and he mentioned his IQ score....

I am starting my sixth year teaching. That's not many years, but it seems like a lot at the moment. If I could go back and change the teacher orientation speech that I was given, here's some points to include: Every year is the exception. My first year was difficult only because it was my first year and I was building curriculum and learning classroom management. My second year was difficult - but only because we changed gradebook platforms, moved all of our assessments digitally, and because I had to fill in for the teacher next door who was on maternity leave. My third year was also difficult, but that was only because we changed assessment platforms and Covid hit that spring so we were digital. My fourth year was difficult, but that was during a pandemic and we were hybrid digital/in-person and that's not likely to happen again, so a different school year would be easier. My fifth year was difficult too, but that's because we changed assessment platforms (again), kid...