deciphering the days

Cleaning out my office and found a large sticky note with the following writings: 1:46pm and just like that, my effectiveness drops, I'm anxious, everything seems unimportant or stuffy. time slows down and I don't know what to do or when to do it. I feel like I am waiting for something that won't happen. I want to lose myself in a fantasy land that never involves me doing serious work - always an author or flip houses or something similar. Always in need of being saved or ??? (unknown word) or understood. Never here. Never uncertain.

Deconstructing my childhood. Deconstructing my religious background. Deconstructing my habits, defaults, and impulse behaviors.  What about Construction? Who do I want to be, what life do I want to build, what are my next steps, where am I going? underconsumption I want to stop buying everything just because it catches my eye, just because someone on social media made it look cool, just because my friend says they like it. I want to thrift. I want to reduce, reuse, recycle. I want to utilize what I have. I want to stop buying things that I don't actually want. My house can be decorated with what I own - I don't actually want to buy more because decorating my house does not bring much joy and the storage of seasonal items definitely does not.  minimalism I want to look around and be glad for what I own, and to take care of those things happily, and not spend my free time cleaning things I don't want. I want space to breathe, think, and be creative, without the walls pushing ...

I met my younger self for coffee today.  She got there fifteen minutes early, and stayed in her car until time. I showed up just a couple minutes early, but looked at the menu already. She isn't sure what to order and worries about the cost. She doesn't say anything, but I know what she's thinking; I try to pay but she declines. I swipe from a joint bank account that will never notice a coffee purchase.  She drinks her hot mocha and I sip my iced vanilla latte. We split my fruit pastry as I know we both have a sweet tooth.  I forget to pray before we eat, and now she's worried about my soul. She's worried about hers too though. I'm not ready to talk religion with her yet.  Her hair is in a tight pony tail, her clothes are tight fitting and bright, and her eyes are wide. My soft curls are in a loose claw clip, my clothes are muted autumn tones that bring out my content demeanor. Her hair is long. So is mine, but only over the last year or so.  She asks where my b...

the voices in my head Starting my day with eggs, peanut butter toast, and coffee was a good choice. Including a ten minute social media scroll was not, partially because it was a sixty minute scroll. A scroll full of violence against people in the name of morals and religion, raiding elementary schools for "illegal children," idiotic laws about conception determining gender and starting at erection, and notable comparisons of bodily movements to historical villains... I'm tired. Should have stayed in bed. I shouldn't have scrolled...maybe? But I do need to know, right? What choices my country's leaders are making...I should know that, even if it's hard to watch.  The anxiety, that I did not wake up with, haunted me until well after lunch. The anger.  I have never been involved with politics outside of my own personal vote. But when is it time? I'm angry. I don't know how to help. I need to take care of myself and learn how to take care of others. FITNE...