regret?

"I regret getting into education."

I said that the other day. While sitting with a fellow teacher and lamenting the state of education, the state of my classroom, the lack of sleep from dreaming about work, and the search for a new job.

Maybe regret isn't the right word. I like the other teachers at my school and I have made friends. I like the chemistry curriculum that I have built over the years. I know I've made a substantial impact on many of my students. I have been paid well and was able to buy a car and a house. I have loved my undergrad and graduate education classes. 

But the road to education started a long time ago, for me. And sometimes I wish I would have diverted sooner. 

I hate the phrase 'those who can't do, teach.' Sometimes I wonder if that's how I am perceived. Sometimes that's what I think of myself. 

I want someone to ask me if I am a teacher and I respond with a 'no.' 

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Age 13-18

I was a mentor teacher with the local 4H program, for many club areas. I was also part of the Teens-in-Schools club were we designed social-emotional lessons and delivered them in the elementary schools. Everyone praised me for how well I interacted with my younger siblings. They said I was great with children and should be a teacher.

Age 18-19

I went to work at a inner-city ministry with a target audience of kindergarten through middle school students. We ran a summer camp and had after-school programs throughout the rest of the year. I worked with children every day and was always teaching something. 

Age 19-20

During my first year of undergrad, I was attending a community college. I was taking a music appreciation class with a professor who obviously loved music and loved teaching. Three or four of the students in the class did not love music and did not love learning. I'm not sure why they were there - they didn't have to be. It wasn't compulsory. They talked through his lectures, laughed at each others' jokes, scrolled on their phones, and interrupted incessantly. He called them out on their behavior multiple times a week. So did the students (who were all grown - this was a community college with lots of middle aged people returning to school). That was the first time I personally witnessed such disrespectful people. I spent a lot of time thinking about that class and told myself that being a teacher at any academic level seemed like a horrible idea. 

To make money while I was in school, I worked in the community college's tutoring lab. I taught math, science, and language arts to fellow students.

Age 21-23

In undergrad, I was getting a chemistry degree. I started to doubt I had the talent to be a chemist (despite graduating with honors). I began to worry about the financial implications of staying in school for much longer. If I got a teaching concentration, I would graduate in December. If I chose a different concentration, I would still be in school till May. I was confident I could teach. I was not confident I could find work in a lab and successfully carry out those labs. I have no idea why I thought that. It's what I wanted to do. 

During my first week of student teaching, I was staring out the window, bored, and wondering why I chose that path. I wondered if I would regret it. 

Age 24-26
I graduated early, got married, moved to a new state, and picked up a good teaching job.

By year two of teaching, I was actively looking for an out. I could not handle the classroom management. People said I was good at it. I didn't feel good at it. It was a heavy burden and I was already tired. I went back to school and got a master's of curriculum design. I chose an education degree because I felt like I already committed to an education career and needed to keep going. I did enjoy my master's classes and learned a lot. 

Age 27-30

Covid hit and bought me some time in the classroom. Two years out from Covid though, and I am looking for an out. Except this time, I am looking for an actual out. I am looking to go into IT work with the schools, to coach other teachers in science instruction, or to leave education entirely and try to find work with a science company that might need a half teacher/half scientist. 

Age 30

I have pros and cons lists for those three main areas. 

• The IT job is "safe." It is still in the school district with good pay, good benefits, and good retirement. I am not particularly qualified for the IT job, but I could learn it quickly and be useful. It would still be in a school and not so much dealing with students, but certainly dealing with teachers whose technology does not work (so they will be moody). At the end of the day, it sounds boring. But I don't think my work necessarily needs to be exciting. It needs to fund my life. 
• The coaching job is "safe." I am one of many applicants, but it is still in the school district with good pay, good benefits, and good retirement. It is a role for coaching other teachers to be better teachers. It seems audacious of me to help others with a career that is so clearly not one I could manage. But maybe that would make me a better coach because I do not pretend that teaching is easy. It is a district role, and most teachers (maybe including me) don't really like the district and their policies. Lot's of "drinking the Kool-Aid" will have to happen on my part. When I interviewed for the job, they did not give one reason why I should want that job. Not one reason as to why job was meaningful or impactful. Not one remark about how the job needed to be a good fit for the me. The interview was just about their job mould and whether I fit it. I walked away from the interview thinking it went well, that they would reach back out, and that I would tell them "no." But maybe I shouldn't do that. After all, it is a safe job. 
• The Science Company is not in the district. They have good pay, minimal benefits, and no retirement. But it's fun! It's science. It's meaningful work for people who are trying to get good careers in science. The work is collaborative with other people who share a vision to better the science industry. It isn't safe though. It is the only job that makes me happy to talk about. It's the only one that wanted to make sure that the job would be a good fit for me. It is the only one I could see myself being happy doing. People argue that I would no longer have my good breaks and no longer have summers off and might not get a raise every year. I don't think I would need breaks from this job like I need breaks from teaching. I am supposed to work from home 1 to 2 days a week a this job. Do you know how much good that would do my introverted heart?? Maybe I wouldn't be so exhausted from the never ending interactions and questions with literally hundreds of people every day. It isn't the safe option, but it is the option I want. 

Now to see what options I get, and what path I actually take. 

But I want someone to ask me if I am a teacher and I respond with a 'no.'