dear future 'parent' self...
Not having any children of my own, I find it strange to give parenting tips - how would I know? Not to mentioned most of us have felt the wrath of a stressed and poorly rested parent who was not in the mood to listen to parenting advice from the free and single. Understandably of course.
However I was a child once. And this weekend (for whatever clinically significant reason) I have stumbled across many unpleasant childhood memories that for some weird purpose or lack of resolutions, I am still toting around in an emotional handbag. So here is to writing them down and remembering them when I am a parent. And here is to the parents who will listen to parenting advice from a non-parent.
1. Give your child the initial benefit of the doubt. In word, action, and deed. Sometimes this means trusting them over other kids/adults or even being wrong about your child's actions. Believe the best in your child and ask for their side of the story before you jump on the bandwagon. If your child says they didn't do something, here them out.
2. Be disciplined when you discipline. Screaming, yelling, and losing your temper does not get your point across. It makes it harder for your child to understand what is really the problem. There is such a thing as 'yelling so loud they can't hear you.'
3. Teach your children how to fix their mistakes. Discipline is much more meaningful than 'punishment.' In real life, we have to take responsibility for our mistakes. If you don't teach them how to do it now, they won't know how to do it later.
4. If you must punish, the punishment should be relevant to the situation and should 'fit the crime.' Psychology tells us that punishments should be timely, age appropriate, natural, logical, consistent, and ultimately self-enhancing.
5. Tell your children about situations from others point of view. Do not just give them the part of the story that directly influences them. If you do, then they will not have a comprehensive understanding of the situation and will inevitably hold an opinion that is egocentric and selfish. Obviously the parents must distinguish between what the child is mentally capable of handling and what needs to be simplified. But ideally, if the child tries to interact with the situations, they could be successful. Their success is dependent on understanding not only their role and position, but others' as well.
6. Listen to your children. If you don't listen to their problems when they are young, they won't tell you their problems when they are older.
Take note of this post from tumblr or pinterest or wherever....
But for real though. Teach your children how to talk to you (in a way you find respectful) and then listen to your children. Please. Listen.
And there we have it. This weekend consisted of pouring out my soul and tears to my husband as I recounting my childhood injustices. Many of which I feel could have been prevented if the above principles where more deeply rooted in my families structure. I think there is a theme to all of the above though.
Listening.
Feeling heard.
Voice.
Value.
Believing.
This weekend has also revealed another theme.
I need a therapist.
However I was a child once. And this weekend (for whatever clinically significant reason) I have stumbled across many unpleasant childhood memories that for some weird purpose or lack of resolutions, I am still toting around in an emotional handbag. So here is to writing them down and remembering them when I am a parent. And here is to the parents who will listen to parenting advice from a non-parent.
1. Give your child the initial benefit of the doubt. In word, action, and deed. Sometimes this means trusting them over other kids/adults or even being wrong about your child's actions. Believe the best in your child and ask for their side of the story before you jump on the bandwagon. If your child says they didn't do something, here them out.
2. Be disciplined when you discipline. Screaming, yelling, and losing your temper does not get your point across. It makes it harder for your child to understand what is really the problem. There is such a thing as 'yelling so loud they can't hear you.'
3. Teach your children how to fix their mistakes. Discipline is much more meaningful than 'punishment.' In real life, we have to take responsibility for our mistakes. If you don't teach them how to do it now, they won't know how to do it later.
4. If you must punish, the punishment should be relevant to the situation and should 'fit the crime.' Psychology tells us that punishments should be timely, age appropriate, natural, logical, consistent, and ultimately self-enhancing.
5. Tell your children about situations from others point of view. Do not just give them the part of the story that directly influences them. If you do, then they will not have a comprehensive understanding of the situation and will inevitably hold an opinion that is egocentric and selfish. Obviously the parents must distinguish between what the child is mentally capable of handling and what needs to be simplified. But ideally, if the child tries to interact with the situations, they could be successful. Their success is dependent on understanding not only their role and position, but others' as well.
6. Listen to your children. If you don't listen to their problems when they are young, they won't tell you their problems when they are older.
Take note of this post from tumblr or pinterest or wherever....
But for real though. Teach your children how to talk to you (in a way you find respectful) and then listen to your children. Please. Listen.
And there we have it. This weekend consisted of pouring out my soul and tears to my husband as I recounting my childhood injustices. Many of which I feel could have been prevented if the above principles where more deeply rooted in my families structure. I think there is a theme to all of the above though.
Listening.
Feeling heard.
Voice.
Value.
Believing.
This weekend has also revealed another theme.
I need a therapist.
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